I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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