i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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