i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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