so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
