I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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