filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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