if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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