did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
my being single is dangerous.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
