Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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