Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
