Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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