I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
