I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
