new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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