Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
