The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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