I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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