I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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