I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
