I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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