3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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