dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
