i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
