I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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