new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
