wakey wakey hands off snakey
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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