in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
wow bdsm is so cute
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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