How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
