That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
