So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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