Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
