i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
