i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
