Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
