Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
