i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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