Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
