Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
