So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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