your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
