update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
