Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Randomize
