rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
