Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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