I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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