when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
