I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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