My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
