youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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