There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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