Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
