You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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