Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
