Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize