Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
