Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
