I should be sponsored by Trojan
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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