Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So squirting runs in the family.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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