I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
